actions and reactions

You said I make you feel like you're 
not worth my effort
I'm not saying you're wrong
We haven't talked in weeks
Isn't effort a two-way street?

You said you want me to understand
how my actions have made you feel
As if I have that much control
I can't make anyone feel anything
Why does it seem like you're blaming?

You said I can't handle
emotional conversations
And I used to think you were right
Because when you were inconsolable
You would accuse me of being unemotional.

I started to believe you; how I felt didn't matter
Because your emotions were all my fault
Will you finally take some responsibility
Now that I'm done letting you blame me?

I don't make you do anything,
Don't make you feel at all
You do that
All on your own.

Aug 6, 2020

A lot has changed since the last time I wrote. Well, not really. Sometimes it feels like it, sometimes it doesn’t. At one point, I was working 3 jobs. It didn’t last for very long. I wrote 2 books, and have 2 more started. I quit smoking weed, and started eating meat again. After 11 years of being a pescatarian, I gotta say, damn, I was really missing out.

I started learning Cantonese. I also learned that my neighbor stabbed a man to death some 20 odd years ago. I found out that I’m okay with that. He did his time, and now he seems fine.

Life is funny.

There’s this Taylor Swift song that has annoyed me from the first time I’ve ever heard it. I don’t like her music much anyways.

Look What You Made Me Do.

It’s just a catchy pop song. Just entertainment. Some people say stuff like that seriously. You made me do it. It’s one thing if mom or dad made you eat your veggies growing up. But these aren’t always the situations people mean, are they?

I don’t think my neighbor ever said that the man he had killed made him do it. He doesn’t know that I know. Well, he knows that I know that he served time for manslaughter; not that I know the details. He was high on meth when he did it. So much meth that he was charged with manslaughter instead of murder.

The article that my roommate found detailed the crime and some of the court details. Our neighbor didn’t say “the meth made me do it.” He didn’t say “I did it because I was on meth.”

He said “I don’t know why I did it.”

That really struck me. Yes, he was blacked out on drugs. But he held himself accountable. He turned himself into the police, too.

In a way, I admire him.

He did something horrific, and he owned up to it. I won’t give any more of the details. I don’t admire the murder, or the drug use, but the courage it took for him to hold himself accountable. He’s enrolled in school now, learning new skills and trying to move forward with his life. I hope he does, too.

I want to think that if my neighbor can own up to killing a man, then I can own up when I’m wrong, too.

At least, I hope so.

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