Taking Space, Making Space

Sorry For the Unannounced Hiatus

Internal Bleeding poem excerpt from Bloodline
Internal Bleeding poem excerpt from Bloodline

Hey there, babes! I’ve missed you! 😩 I’ve missed working on the site, treating it like a full time job and writing every day. So much, in fact, that I’ve decided to quit my second job and go back to just working part time!

Besides, the second job made me angry. Well, it wasn’t quite the job making me angry, but it sure wasn’t helping, either. See, I’ve been angry since I was a tween and I’m only now realizing it. Working that cruddy job at Dunkin Donuts helped me realize that my normal state of being is aggitated, so for that realization I’m grateful. And I appreciate being hired in and all, but it just wasn’t for me. I’d rather have less money and more time to do what I wanna do than more money and no time(or energy) to do anything at all!

I turned in my 2 weeks notice the other day and was surprised that it instantly made me feel a bit better, a little less aggitated. I’m still angry, for a lot of reasons that I don’t feel comfortable talking about with you, but it’s less now.

Unfortunately, I have something to be angry about at my other job. Now, I’m not trying to be a Negative Nance or anything, and I certainly don’t want you to think that this post is all just complaining for the sake of complaining.

Green pattern dress with brown shoes, cross shoulder purse, and floppy sun hat
An outfit I made for display at work ☺️

There’s SO MUCH that I like about my job; I get to experiment with fashion and style, the customers can be incredibly nice, the managers are laid-back, it’s overall a low stress environnement, and most of my coworkers are fantastic! Most of them.

One of them, though, is romantically interested in me and wouldn’t take “it’s never gonna happen” as a real answer. Then I found out he’s a registered sex offender. He’s younger than me, by the way. He said it was for something that happened in high school and that the girl lied about what happened. I don’t think that she lied, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt because it’s still possible that he was being honest.

It’s a long story, but he’s shown a LOT of red flags(aside from being a literal sex offender). Invading personal space, making sexual comments about minors as “jokes,” sending me videos of himself drinking and driving, getting high at work. I added him on Snapchat before really knowing anything about him and quickly learned that he would try to invade that space, just like he did my physical space. If he was left on read/seen? He’d send another. If it was 1am and he knew I had work at 5am? Didn’t matter, my phone would ding with messages in the middle of the night.

Luckily, after he made the sexual comments about high school kids, I was able to find the words(and a lot of them, too!) to let him know just how gross I think he is, and he’s since left me alone.

And so, this person that I greatly dislike has done me the service of inspiring this slam poem, which I greatly like. One of these days I’ll record it for you! But I didn’t want to just share it without any backstory; it seemed too loaded for that.

This poem contains adult themes and some swearing, so read at your own discretion!

I’m mad because

As a woman I’m told I’m not allowed to take up space

But it’s my place

To make a happy space

For the kids I never want to have.

But the boys are told

That space is theirs

Even outer space

The final frontier

Is theirs to conquer

Just like me.

I need another beer

Because I don’t want to hear about how fucking equal we are

Because no shit, dumbass

We’re all equal in humanity, but that’s as far as it goes.

I don’t want to hear about it

Because I can see it

I can feel it

I want to live and breathe equity, not equality

Because no, actually, we aren’t “equals”

Nobody equals another person

Like two equals two.

We’re individuals

With strengths, weaknesses

Similarities and differences

so no,

I don’t equal you

And you don’t equal me

It’s just not in our anatomy.

You’re kidding yourself with claims of equality

Because I can create life

With my body I can nurture

And sustain

If I so choose

But you seem to think that choice is up to you.

Well, have I got news for you, buddy

If we both go and fuck ourselves

I’ll still climax more than you

Two, three times, maybe even four

Cause I can always give myself more.

In my confined space I learned

To make space within myself

For myself

Because I deserve space, too

And unlike you

I don’t take space from others

I cultivate space

Within myself, around myself,

For myself

And for others who don’t know how

To keep their space theirs, away from you.

Standing too close, talking too loud and too much

Physically, audibly, always taking instead of giving

So thank you

For teaching me that I don’t want to take up space

I want to take it back.

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